just kidding, we all need rules, especially children like yourselves. Why?
Rules and limits are the beginning points of a rational and orderly relationship with your children. They tell us that there is a system, how it operates, AND WHAT IS EXPECTED OF US. Until these rules and limits are established, there can be no consequences, because, it is illogical, and totally irrational to have consequences for rules or limits, that don't exist.
This statement is so obvious that it may seem a waste of time to make it. But we need to be aware that, in some cases, the first time a child may learn a rule or a limit exists is when he or she experiences the consequences of violating it. This is an understandable and unavoidable fact of life when it comes to experiencing the natural consequences of natural laws. However it is a totally unreasonable and illogical experience when our children are held accountable and suffer consequences for violating a parental rule or limit they did not know existed.
Using consequences to define and teach rules and limits has its place in teaching a puppy to stay off the furniture. But it has no place in a rational discipline system for raising our children to be responsible, Self-Disciplined Adults.
For a discipline system to be rational and effective, the rules and limits must be known and understood. This is absolutely essential if our goal is to teach our children what we expect of them. Without understandable, measurable rules and limits our children have no way of learning and practicing behaviors which will give them control of the positive and negative consequences of their actions
An environment in which people are denied the opportunity to control their consequences is, by its very nature, abusive regardless of the consequences. In addition, if we deny a child, or anyone else, the ability to control his consequences by controlling his actions, then responsibility and self-discipline are meaningless terms.
Of course rules and limits do change, as our children get older. So, when we have to change the rules or limits with our children, we can avoid the problem of angry kids and guilty parents if we remember to clarify the change and our new expectation the first time and hold our kids accountable the next time.
This is not the same thing as giving our kids a second chance. If by a second chance we mean that each time the child ignores the rules or limits we wait until next time to follow through with the consequences. For purposes of consistency, second chances are usually not a good idea. If the child already knows the rules and limits and decides to ignore or "forget" them, we should be consistent about "reminding" them now.
What I am suggesting is that we always give our kids a first chance whenever we make a change in the rules or limits. This is reasonable and fair because, until we have clarified the new rule or limit, we can't reasonably hold them accountable for knowing and obeying it.
Rules and Limits tell us what we need to know and do to control our Consequences.
